MUSINGS FROM BEHIND THE DOOR…

Remember when we were all in this together?

An entire population, mostly forced into isolation, by a pesky little pandemic.

We baked, and attempted to craft. We Zoomed and we binged (television shows AND entire tubs of ice cream.) We collectively canceled our plans, and we were kind of happy about it. 

For a while…

Fast-forward to the beginning of 2024, and I find myself trapped in a time glitch.

Covid has seemingly crashed my party. Totally uninvited!

The illness that once forced the world into lockdown, is now operating undercover – a sneaky sniper, taking us out one at a time. I’ve been hit.

With so many variants in circulation, you never know which “flavour” Covid you’ll get, and thankfully, (so far, at least,) I’m experiencing a very watered-down strain. Blocked ears, more snot than I am usually up for and a general heaviness, that is forcing me to lay about – not intolerable, by any stretch.

The real problem is the loneliness…

My little family is conducting their lives as normal, just on the other side of my bedroom door. I can hear them. It sounds wonderful. I see their faces through the occasional Facetime. 

I find it all increasingly sad. 

Here’s the thing about motherhood. There is this thing that happens when you become a mama – you are almost always in constant contact with your offspring. From the second your child takes up residence in your womb, they are finding ways to be wherever you are, as often as possible. Always touching.

There are times when I find it all a LOT. As mothers, we aren’t supposed to complain about it, because we know that at some point, our roles will reverse. Our children will strive for independence, and we will be begging for the occasional cuddle.

Not always easy to have that kind of perspective, when your 7 year old is climbing on top of you at 6am.

But here I am, 2 days into my 7 day sentence, and I would kill for some pre-dawn snuggles.

It is not lost on me that I am currently flush with time. Time – the elusive commodity that we all endlessly yearn for. I’m attempting to shift perspectives – am I in lock down, or am I taking a time out? Am I trapped in this room, or am I just enjoying my surroundings? 

When my usually hectic schedule is in full swing, I am longing to spend hours on trivial pursuits. Isn’t this an opportunity to do exactly that?

So, what am I up to?

I’m knitting a blanket.

I smashed out some TV shows that I’ve been meaning to get around to.

I finished The Storyteller, by Dave Grohl – there’s a guy who could benefit from 7 days of slowing down. What a life!

I wrote this – the first thing I have written in far too long.

For reasons I just don’t feel like expanding upon, 2023 was one of the worst years on record for me. I can’t quite explain it, but I just never quite felt like I was winning.

And of course, the truth is – I don’t have to win all the time. Just being in the game should be enough, but I am not always great at managing expectations. I also require a little too much external validation – a personal flaw that does not serve me well.

At least I am painfully self aware enough, to beat myself up about all of these personal failings – insert maniacal laughter here.

Regardless, I made a plan for 2024…

I want to show myself a little more grace. I have reflected on the past 12 months, and while I know that the universe was certainly having a crack, I was not doing myself any favours by letting it get me down.

Sometimes things go wrong. And sometimes, things go incredibly right.

My life has usually been a pretty healthy mix of both.

As my partner likes to remind me – annoyingly so, at times – “Ït all works out.”

Of course, it is easy for him to think that way, from the other side of my bedroom door!