Confessions from a Lockdown Low point…

This Life in Lockdown Series has entered a second phase, and it’s not all sunshine and rainbows…

I’m bingeing…

TV shows, Mint Slices, Instagram feeds, press conferences.

You name it, I cannot get enough.

I cannot be satisfied and I feel gross.

Now, before you get your advice ready, I know!

I’m blessed.

We are all in the same boat.

Go for a walk.

Take it one day at a time…

I understand how much I have to be grateful for.

My kids are wonderful.

I am healthy.

I have employment.

I have toilet paper…

I know how to take care of myself, because I generally do.

For most of Lockdown 1.0, I was a superstar. I jogged and rowed and cycled. I cooked up a storm. I knitted. I read. I wrote. I became a home-schooling extraordinaire, and only complained every other day.

Lockdown 2.0 has hit me a little harder…

I don’t want to seem like a Debbie-downer, but what’s the point?

I’m all about the plans. I love making plans.

I know they say to be present, but I’m quite good at multi-tasking – I can make plans and enjoy the present – it’s a mad skill.

When I rocked into 2020, I had some serious swagger. I was finally working in a job I was proud of. My life was hectic, but fantastic. I loved everything about all of it – My 40th was a celebration that really captured that sentiment – a party that honoured how truly blessed I felt, about a life I had worked hard to achieve…

Less than 2 months later, and life was turned upside down – for everyone, everywhere.

I have perspective, and so, it was easy enough to remind myself that this wasn’t forever, and we all just needed to play our parts, to get back to the normal.

If 2020 has taught us anything, it is that normal is gone.

We have witnessed the end of life as we knew it.

I’m not being pessimistic.

Just realistic.

And I hate it.

This revelation has kind of bottomed me out.

I have stopped exercising.

My water consumption has all but dried up.

We ordered takeaway 4 times in 3 days.

My skin care regime is non-existent.

On Saturday, I left my bed for toilet trips and a bath – my bra never came into play.

I’m feeling sorry for myself and I don’t care!

I spoke to a friend, who much like myself, has a reputation for positivity. She noted that it was exhausting to keep trying to find the upside to this year. We laughed at our blatant disregard for silver linings.

I have never understood how it can make anyone feel better, to think about those that are worse off. My gloom seems to be worsened by the plight of humanity.

2020 has forced us to look at the world around us – the view is painfully grim.

The word ‘crisis’ is being tossed around like confetti, and I can’t seem to shake this sense of impending doom. Brace yourselves, because 2020 is not done with us yet…

So, what to do when you can’t make plans?

I’m not sure, really.

I’m starting most days with a list – I check off each box – a real “going through the motions” kind of scenario. I don’t like it much.

I watched Hamilton twice this weekend and I’m smashing through The Baby-sitters Club on Netflix, because nostalgia is everything right now.

I’m not trying to bring you down, and I don’t want any sympathy. My confession is probably not unlike many out there, and obviously, there are heaps of people worse off than me. I get it, because, perspective. None of this perspective invalidates my current experience – I am low, and that’s ok.

Humans have a capacity for survival – it is what we do, so insert your cliché about overcoming and how this too shall pass, and let me get back to my Mint Slices.

Melissa Longo

7 Comments

  1. Sandrawilson@fastmail.com.au

    Oh Lordy, nail on the head 😦 It is how my world feels, but I don’t write the list. I have an internal debate while reading in bed – go search the top shelf for some hidden treats and eat them all / no, wait until tomorrow and reward yourself. I did exercise this morning but forgot to yesterday and the day before.

    Try putting a bit of Fleabag into the screen watching mix. She’ll make you laugh while you cry. Xx

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

  2. Nella

    Mel, if only we could heal the world with the click of our fingers. It’s reasonable to feel the magnitude of this moment in time – you are an empath. You words and your vision are part of what will heal the world a little at a time. Your words connect people. Even in your sadness you have made a positive difference.

    Liked by 1 person

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